Well, we here at Sunrise Studios and WeezeL Brand Enterprises want to help YOU at the polls this year. No, not those silly ones where you can pick some dude who may or may not die in office before he lowers taxes or sends more of our young troops away to war to die... I'm talking about the kind of poll where YOUR OPINION ACTUALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE (unless of course, you live in a swing-state, or you're a part of the Electoral College)!!! I'm talking about the race for WHO WILL STAY ALIVE?!?
Yes, it's true, Velociraptors are in the lead but the Predator and Geena Davis aren't that far behind with the Alien falling in the rear. Several of the candidates have changed their strategies to win your votes, which you can still change if you haven't voted yet in what many consider to be "the most important civil rights movement for non-humans on this planet since the Big Bang [not the TV show]." Let's see what the candidates have to say, shall we? Our first candidate on the stand is the Yautja known as "Handsome Face No-Kills-Yet" or simply just "The Predator."
"When my grandfather came to this planet to kill humans during the Civil War, he wasn't subjugated to these idiosyncrasies of "voting" and "polls." He just sat in a tree near a battlefield with his cloaking device on and ruthlessly stalked the humans who thought the devil had come for their souls. They weren't far off.
The Yautja have come to this planet and killed one of almost every worthy specie. Why is it that now, we're fighting these raptors, these... born again, abominations, genetically created in a lab by John Hammond as an affront to the gods! Not just mine, but most of the human gods as well! Not to mention as the only male in this campaign, I feel like my nuts are in a real vice."
Please, Mr. Predator, this is not a chance to smear your opponent. Now, if we could, the Alpha Female from the raptor pack.
"Thank you. This campaign has been difficult, and that's no secret. I have three other raptors to keep in line. It's hard to rally voters when they're constantly eating my supporters. A panic starts, then blood lust, and soon, we've killed at least fifty people, and there's no way we'll eat fifty people. We usually only eat one person each per day... a girl's gotta keep her figure after all [The alpha female winks at the crowd]. I look tons better than these human candidates, and if you think that 'Palin Rap' is something special, then you need to hear a Raptor Rap!
Now, I wanna address Mr. Predator's accusations of us being abominations to God. Us dinosaurs were on this planet long before either humans or Yautja. We're the original 'predators' of the Earth, we're perfect machines created with an intelligent design and a purpose to eventually come back and rule the planet once more! We represent change and hope! Change through evolution, and Hope that you don't all die before we eat you. Thank you."
Yes, eh, thank you, Ms. Velociraptor. Uhm, and now, the current queen of the Xenomorphs, the Alien Queen.
"SHIT FACE FUCK FORCE GOD DAMN IT FUCK... *ahem* Sorry. Excuse me, that's all left over from the person's chest I burst out of. It was another clone of Ellen Ripley, we have about ten of them, and they're all pissed. That anger is what got me through the initial fight, and RoboCop and Terminator started their own fight, we all ate Neo and my wounds didn't heal so I ate some Royal Jelly and became queen so here I am.
Look, here's the thing: whether or not I win? we're coming to Earth, ya get me? The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention already lists Velociraptor attacks as the third leading cause of death for men age 27-29. At least with us Xenomorphs, we're going to be attaching face huggers to any and all living creatures we can, not just males aged 27-29. So you at least have a chance."
Thank you, Your Majesty. Our final candidate is none other than American starlet of film and television, Geena Davis, who is the only candidate that has opted to take a running mate, her ex-husband, Mr. Jeff Goldblum. Madam, Sir...
GD: "Thank you."
JG: "Uh, uhm, yes... quite."
GD: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm just Geena Davis. Not Geena Davis from a movie, not Geena Davis with magical powers, not any Geena Davis with black ops training or Kung Fu Grip action, not even Geena Davis who was already elected into public office. All I have to offer in this fight to the death against these blood thirsty killers besides my wits are an M16 assault rifle with two extra clips, a 9MM glock and a bowie knife for back up. And Jeff, of course."
JG: "Of course."
GD: "After that, we're both tossed into a steamy jungle to try and survive against prehistoric monsters and space aliens."
JG: "I've already survived against both dinosaurs and aliens. Have you ever heard of 'sci-fi politics'? No, it's because they don't exist. The rules are that if the good guy doesn't win, uh, uh, then, eh... the strongest shall survive. And if these dinosaurs and aliens think they're going to wipe out humans that have evolved and lived here for the past two million years, uh, eh, they think they can wipe us all out? Well, let's just say that, uh, uh... life finds a way. Oh, and uh, this, uh, virus that targets their central nervous systems."
Wow. NOW GO VOTE because I know all of you haven't yet!!!!!